Friday 15. January 2021

Full disclosure…totally sipping (as in opposite of sipping) the whiskey tonight…feeling too good to really be writing, but…WTF…we only live once, right?

Had my first college snow day today. Just two days ago I recall thinking that it felt so like spring, went to work that afternoon and was told about the upcoming blizzard. Have not been watching the weather lately because in all reality, we’ve had very little winter here in the midwest as of yet and knew it would have to show up sooner or later. Showed up overnight and was actually surprised that college was canceled with all our classes being set up with Zoom because of the Covid thing. Pleasantly surprised, but surprised none-the-less.

Was able to get a few assignments done today, tickled! Could pry get one or two more done tonight, but in all reality, I do not want to. I want to continue with the whiskey. Shhhhh…..don’t tell my folks….even at the age of 47, I get the look and the lecture. Hate disappointing my folks, but damn…I’ve spent the majority of my life making everyone else happy and towing the line…about time I have fun and make myself happy, right? I’m home, so it’s not like I’ll be out driving. Could make work at the bar tomorrow less than pleasant though…won’t be the first time I’ve had to deal with a hangover there, guessing it won’t be my last.

Taking an on-line course this semester in mass communications. By next Sunday we are to journal for 24 hours all of our media usage….figured today would be a great day to get ‘er done. I am so disappointed with myself, at nine hours in I was embarrassed to see how often I check my phone for messages. At the end of 24 hours we are to tabulate how much time we spent on our various sites, various apps, watching tv, listening to music on our phones….everything. If you stop and notice each time you check to see if anyone has snapped or texted, it would amaze you. Seriously, really surprised. Rather disgusting actually. Just looked at my notes, seems I have lost four hours somewhere…guess we can chalk that down to a nap, right? Knowing me, by morning I will be completely disgusted with myself and will start it all over again. I know how I am wired…cheating isn’t my thing.

Life is moving along. Like I already mentioned, have been talking with a fellow. IDK, I know I am so not ready for a relationship, but also know that I can’t be an old hermit forever. I miss having someone to touch, to kiss and to hold. After the one night oops of sleeping with a good friend, I know that I am not ready to go down that road again. Having been with only one person from the age of 16 to 47…really makes it hard. Living in a rural area makes it so hard as well, start to get around even a little and you are know as a slut….don’t want that…I just want something…someone…does that make sense? I feel my standards are so high…do I keep them high or do I just have a little fun?

Thankfully I have the most amazing tribe! My girls are always there for me. There is one guy in my tribe but he seems to have stepped back over the past few months and only really hear from him over snapchat streaks. It bothers me because I thought he was there for me, we were both going through divorces…brother of one of my other tribe mates….now he just seems so distant….WTF? Seriously, someone my age shouldn’t be using WTF as often as I do on a daily basis. It was so nice to have him to puke to and be able to get a man’s point of view at times…missing that. Then again, found he was talking to me and the non-sister tribe mate in the same way…over Thanksgiving weekend he told me to not talk to the other gal about him, ever…we have and he talked to both of us in the same way…dude is quite the player. Obviously, there was a reason for him to say for us to not talk about him….at more than 15 years younger than me, wish he would realize I see him only as a brother figure and miss his advice.

For gracious sake…hope everyone has a great weekend…..live life to it’s fullest! Be a hippy, a gypsy and a cowgirl! That’s that way I am rolling these days!

Peace By To All!

Thursday 14. January 2021

Back at it…school started back up yesterday…definitely excited to be back after a seven week break. Have to say that I let myself get a little lazy during break, let myself get back to being a night owl…never an easy habit to break. I did enjoy getting to put in more time at work, really love my job…how many people can say that? Seldom have I had a bad day there or wished I weren’t there. Have my clutz days, but that’s to be expected…almost always use the excuse that I am blonde…so….

First two classes yesterday, the first in learning how to plan classes and Biology. Science was never my thing when in elementary, junior or high school…kind of looking forward to this biology. Guess it’s the whole getting older thing and enjoying learning new things. For the first class I had the wife of my son’s high school superintendent. Small communities…last semester I had one of my high school teachers as a professor and this semester one was a high school friend of my sister’s…graduated from the same school. I try to fly under the radar though and don’t offer the information unless brought up by someone else. Today is the history of food and agriculture and psychology. Should be interesting.

Life is moving right along. Divorce was final on Friday the 13th of November…felt fitting. The holidays weren’t as hard for me as I thought they’d be, but were tough on my son. Taking my time and not really getting involved with anyone although have seen a couple of guys, have built up a pretty big cement wall around myself and my heart that I have no intention of tearing down anytime soon. Did get a little too involved with the first guy and after four months let him in…I deeply regret it, ruined a friendship. Have been talking to another guy for close to a month now, have kissed him twice and am backing up…super sweet guy, enjoy visiting with him, definitely not my type though…too soft and something else that I cannot place my finger on. Don’t want to lose this friendship. Such a small town where I work, made it known to him that I am a private person and do not want my business known…no one is to know that we are talking. Obviously not ready to walk down the road of any type of relationship if I’m hiding that I’m talking to anyone to all but my two best friends and two children. My kids are 18 and 26.

Time for class…History of Food and Agriculture…

Mel.

Saturday 12. December 2020

Life has a way of throwing loops to jump through…this past year has been a series of one loop after another to jump through. Thankfully, all the loops haven’t been terrible…there have been some good as well. When it comes down to the brass tacks, this past year has been one of learning, growing, and finding myself again. As terrible as this year has been, can’t say when I’ve been happier.

It’s been a full year now since my ex started acting cold towards me. Tomorrow marks one month since our divorce became final. The divorce wasn’t pretty. I think he thought I was just going to bow down and take whatever scraps he offered…just as I did for the majority of our marriage. Fear had taken hold many, many years ago and with that I lost my backbone…I found my backbone early in the divorce, pretty sure he wasn’t expecting that. I fought for what I felt I deserved after 27 years of marriage, I wasn’t going to back down. I wish he would have shown me some respect for all the years…I tried, but when he started talking down to me, talking to me like I was a kid…I was done.

Sadly, the kids have had to endure way too much. We have two, the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 18. You’d think it would have been easier for them, being older, but not so much. For the oldest it was easiest, she’s off in another state and recently married…she’s been away pretty much since she graduated high school and went off to college, there’s been much she hasn’t seen or heard. The youngest, definitely harder…he’s a soft heart like his mother, hadn’t helped that for years he’s felt as if he father didn’t love him and that he’s never felt like he’s ever done anything right for his father. The Boy has made great progress, but still wants little to do with his father. I can’t and won’t force it. His father made his bed years ago and with as little as he’s reached out, he’s not minding sleeping in that bed with his whore.

I know that I’m in a better place than I’ve been in years. It’s funny…for years it’s been about what we had. I have nothing now, I have all the property but no money…and you know, that’s okay. It’s taken me back to our youth and how we struggled and were happy. Money really doesn’t buy happiness. I have the best family, the best tribe, work with the greatest people and have the best customers…all of whom I feel have my back. It’s an amazing feeling. Money is nice, having people is way better!

Being on break from school the past couple weeks have let me work more. Our small town bar. I absolutely love it! We lived in this community 20 years ago, it’s a couple towns over from where I live and many of the people I haven’t seen in 20 years. It’s been so nice to reconnect and get to know these folks again. All those years ago these people made me feel like I actually belonged in the community, something I’d never felt in my hometown…they’ve made me feel that way all over again.

The feeling of belonging and having people is so much more important that having money and things.

Peace!

Time to Take a Breath

It’s the last day of November, or the first of December if you want to be technical…it is after midnight. My favorite time of the day, a time I seldom get to enjoy anymore. Normally, if I’m still up at 12:30, it’s because I am studying. Honestly, I should still be working on my statistics final project…but I have put in maybe 10 hours of homework today…so stats is going to have to wait until morning.

As with everyone else…this year has been a real bitch. However, with as horrible as this year has been, it has been a year of learning, growing and starting over. I’ve found the backbone I lost decades ago, it’s still not back to where it was when I was 20, but progress has been and is being made. I’ve stood up for myself and for my children and for what I believe is right against someone I’ve cowered to for years. I am strong, I am intelligent and my friends…I can be a Bad Ass Bitch when push comes to shove!

In the past year I’ve stressed out from wondering what in the hell is going on in my marriage to learning what I’d feared for years was true, my husband had been having a long term affair with someone who was once one of me and my daughter’s best friends…long story I won’t go into. After being treated coldly for a couple of months and walking on eggshells for just as long, found the strength to ask my husband if he was wanting a divorce and he said yes…just short of 27 years of marriage…that very day I asked him to leave.

I asked for counseling and he agreed…only to learn he said yes only to say during our one and only session that he did not want to work on our marriage and just wanted to be happy and staying with me did not make him happy. It would be months before he finally had to fess up, with lawyers present, that not only was he involved with the person I’d been asking him for years if he was involved with, but that they were living together.

I went from marrying at the age of 20 and being a stay-at-home mom for the majority of our marriage to two-and-a-half years ago going to work part-time as an aide at our local school to being alone with our one child left at home and wondering, what in the hell am I going to do now?

The pandemic hit about a month-and-a-half after I asked him to go…and I turned into a hermit. I took care of my 11th grader and myself and everything else went by the wayside. I lived in bed and slept all the time. Then reality hit and I had to find a job. Thankfully I found a part-time job in our small community and shortly after was asked by an old friend if I’d be interested in working at her small time bar during lunch hours, on days I wasn’t at my other job.

Those two jobs and my new found friends (friends I’d never had being my ex never approved of my friends, so I’d given up on having friends years ago) were my saving grace. I know I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now without those two jobs and my friends and the great people I came to meet at the golf course and bar I work. These people have built me up and made me believe in myself again.

From April until November I ran circles like never before in my life. My son, our acreage, our horses and cattle and the dogs at home, two jobs and once we hit mid-August I threw college into the mix. There were days I’d be to the bar by 11:30 and work until 1:30, run home and change for the golf course…two towns a bit of a drive between…sometimes on league nights it would be 2 a.m. before being done for the day. On days I didn’t have to work the golf course I’d work the bar from 11:30 until 6-6:30. I could do two and sometimes three weeks before I’d have a day off, I’d be absolutely exhausted…but you know…I was (for the most part) happier than I’ve been in longer than I can remember.

The being alone part sucked. I missed my husband and wondered just what in the hell I did wrong. I felt as though I spent my life waiting on him and our children. I was a stay-at-home mom and wife and felt as though I did my job well, but I guess we grew apart over the years without my having realized it. It hurt so much. I still have my moments, but they are fewer and further between. I know I wasn’t perfect but feel as though I deserved to have been treated better in the end….he could have handled things better than he did. After 31 years together, respect would have been nice. I feel as though I was discarded like a piece of trash.

However…with that having been said…I’m not going to go into the ugly. My divorce was hard and it got ugly…it’s been final for just short of three weeks now and I have moved on with my life. Thanks to the advice of my doctor, therapist I saw for a short time this past winter and my lawyer…I’ve gone back to college to study to be an ag teacher. All three asked my interests and all three had the same answer, ag teacher…figured that was a sign.

Life is what we make of it! I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and doused myself with whiskey a time or three…and I will survive…with an amazing family and great friends…I will be better than I have ever been!

Peace! Mel.

Tuesday 7. April 2020

Are we having fun in quarentine yet? As an introvert and a person who enjoys being home, this is even getting to be a little much for me. Being farm people we are able to get out and do things, the guys more than me, be feeding time is more enjoyable now.

The guys have started fertilizing at Gramma and Grampa’s, keeps the boy from getting too stir crazy. We would hate to have to work on school work…

The weather has warmed up and the few rainy days we had have passed, so getting outside and doing a little picking up around the place…another nice thing about being out in the country, our nearest neighbor is half-a-mile as the crow flies…so it’s just me and the dogs.

Being one who doesn’t get too worked up about these type of things, haven’t been worrying, but have been being cautious…watching how things develop. We are thankfully in an area of the country where we are having cases of the virus but not many, less than 10 in our county and less than 10 in the county to the south of us…haven’t heard on the other surrounding counties. Think it may give some of us a false sense of being able to get out more than we should.

I try to continue to look at things on the “glass half full” side…at least at this point. It is a scary time, but I continue to pray…what else to do but look to the Lord for guidance and comfort.

Until Again,

M.

Monday…I think it’s Monday

This no school for at least four weeks is really starting to feel real…getting to be like summer vacation, have to look at the calendar on the wall to double check what day it is.

We have been pretty fortunate out here in the boondocks…only one case of the virus here in our county. There are several in our state, mostly on the other side…thus far not too many on our northwestern side.

Cannot get over the craziness of it all…I completely understand the severity of the situation, but I feel like so many people gone off their rockers…just as so many have completely ignored the seriousness of the matter. I’m standing in the middle saying, I just need a half gallon of milk and one four roll pack of tp and we’ll be good for a week or so.

Part of me wonders, as a believer, if this isn’t God’s way of thinning out the herd, so to speak…and trying to teach us something.

If nothing else, 2020 has started off as a real shit show…the world is in shambles, my marriage has fallen apart, my job sucks (not working now that schools are out) and I feel as though I’ve lost every ounce of control in my life.

Calgon, take me away….

M.